I teared inside daddy's car on the way back home..
The dinner tonight made me realised how apparent the gap has become. The gap that has always been there, from a time i cannot remember. My passiveness in leaving it and living with it amounted to what it has become today.
I told piggy how i envied people around me who are close to their families or relatives. Growing up in a family like mine, i couldn't be close to anyone, except for my dad who understood me. After grandma passed away, we were made to cut off ties with my auntie's family because of mum. On her side, i didn't know how to face my grandparents, aunties and uncles because i was never good enough. And that deterred me from attending any family gathering because every meeting felt like judgement day. Though i know they care about me, i felt like their impression of me was so, so bad...
And i closed up.
The distance between these cracks only increased over time. For many years, i didn't know what true family warmth and togetherness is. The rare times that we ate together could not make up for the missing feeling. It was until i stayed with piggy's parents in new zealand that i felt the closeness of a family.
In my entertainment of silly thoughts, i suddenly cried when piggy said i've got him and said i can be close to his family. He told me that's why people have families on their boyfriend or girlfriend's side, to balance off the lack of when i told him i can't give him a complete extended family. i don't know why but it touched me so deeply that i started crying...
I'm fortunate to have you in my life. Thank you for making me feel loved.
